Monday, October 31, 2005

A story from HS

The summer after graduating high school, my friend Matt and I flew out to California to spend 6 weeks coaching at the Stanford National Forensics Institute, basically a debate camp. He specialized in "policy debate", and I was a multiple-time state-winner in Lincoln-Douglas debate and in competitive speech.

So they put us in a dorm at Stanford, and we were really only busy from like 9am to 2 each day. After that, we were free to fuck around as much as we wanted. As a new high school grad, 18.5 years old, I had already decided that this summer I was going to get drunk and do things to girls that I hadn't managed to do at that juncture. Probably, coaching at a debate camp was not the best way to attain that goal, but I digress.

Before moving to Michigan my parents were on the faculty at Stanford so I kind of knew some kids in the area still. At our age couldn't get into any of the nice bars in Palo Alto or Menlo Park, but there was a slightly seedier establishment a little off the main strip in Menlo Park where a california friend's ex-con older brother was bartending. We were quietly served alcohol with no hassles, so long as I kept buying pot from the guy after-hours. Big Green

So one afternoon at like 2:30 we're in there getting drunk, just because we can, and it just so happens that I was sitting next to a fairly cute girl up at the bar. I screwed up all my courage, and actually started to talk to her. Turns out she's a local high-school kid, maybe 17 (I guess this place was real popular with the local underage crowd too), and her name is Jen.

The cool part is that she's (GASP!) actually being friendly to me and not blowing me off. In fact, she's being downright flirty, which is making me feel funny down below, especially when her hand comes to rest on my leg.

So I chat with her, and I eventually say "hey well listen, I'm free like every afternoon, we should totally hang out." to which responded quite agreeably, even gesturing to my buddy Matt and saying that she will invite her friend along when we hang out (does this mean Matt gets laid too? awesome). So I get the girl's number (on a napkin, I didn't have a cell phone back then) and she has me write mine on her hand (YAY I AM GONNA GET SOME).

This is where things go from "stomach queasy from the prospect of sticking something of mine into something of hers" to "stomach queasy from kinda sick". You see, at this point Jen's friend shows up...pushing a wheelchair.

She then picks Jen up off the barstool, and puts her in the wheelchair.

At that moment, for the FIRST TIME, drunk-ass, dumb-ass Haseeb realizes that Jen has no legs.

The horror. I have drunkenly flirted with this torso for nigh on 27 minutes. I've made plans. Numbers have been exchanged. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. fuckity fuck. Can I lose my virginity to a legless wonder? Is this going to forever brand me as a "loser"? My pride, combined with alcohol, is kicking my ass right now.

So Jen and friend (don't remember the bitch's name but all of a sudden I wished I was being set up with the chubby friend) leave the bar ("I'll call you tomorrow!" she says), and Matt turns to start making insane fun of me. drug dealer barkeep joins in. I just bury my face in a beer and say the word "fuck" a lot. Thinking back, this may have been when and and where I started smoking cigarettes.

So Matt basically tells me that I'm a total piece of shit if I don't at least go hang out with this girl, and I reluctantly agree. "30 minutes, Matt. We go, we hang out with this girl for THIRTY MINUTES, and then we're fucking out of there. And you have to come, don't fucking ditch me." Matt agrees.

Next day, Jen calls, and says how to get to her parents' house, so Matt and I strap on the ol' rollerblades and go over there. Jen's parents greet us briefly, but the girls are already pretty much out the door so it's like smile, wave, have fun kids and we're outta there heading down the street.

The girls take us to a nearby park and when we get there Jen (the amazing, legless, but also fairly cool Jen) whips out not one but TWO bottles of vodka, and my 30 minutes just got slightly less hellish. I had never done vodka straight before that day, but I'm hanging out with a legless bitch who wants a piece of my cock'n'balls, so I was pretty much just glugging it down. Matt is trying not to laugh, as he and chubby friend girl take the other bottle and head off for some privacy. He catches my eye and smirks as he's leaving. I hate that fucker.

So Jen and I are talking...actually, Jen's talking and I'm just kind of staring at my dixie-cup. Anyway after a while Jen decides she's uncomfortable on the chair and wants to know if we can move to a bench in a secluded spot. We do so. Next thing I know, her hands me in spots that all of a sudden I DO NOT MIND BEING MASSAGED IN. I guess the vodka is kicking in. What's that, Jen? You want to sit in my lap? Sure, what's the harm in that? Nice flowy skirt you've got on by the way...really detracts from your lack of lower extremities, but hey at least it allows me easy access to...well whatever. You get the point, Arsians.

Whether it was vodka, or the hormones of an 18 year old kid, or a bit of both, suffice it to say we end up in a position where she's "straddling" me (if you can straddle without legs), and um...demonstrating her upper body strength, with the assistance of a conveniently low-hanging tree branch. (Gee, you think she knew about this spot ahead of time?) Yes, ladies and gents, the girl is doing pull-ups on my monkey bar.

So there you have it. I lost my virginity in a public park to a drunk high school chick with no legs. It was 37 seconds of intense pleasure, followed up by wave upon wave of ridiculous nauseating shame and self-hate.

Anyway, after some awkward after-fuck cuddling (yes I cuddled a torso), Matt and chubbygirl show back up. Matt had a bit too much vodka and had vomited, thus preventing him from reaching any further than 2nd base. So Matt is walking, I put my blades back on, and we're heading back to Jen's house. Matt splits off for the dorm (for more vomiting), chubby girl goes to her own house, and it's just me and Jen arriving back at her home, still very drunk.

I'm ready to just see her to the door and get the fuck out of dodge, but of course her friggin' parents corner me and insist I come in. So I try my best to get my composure, take a quick bathroom break, and then go sit on the couch and stare at the TV until the dad walks in.

Just so you get a good idea of what's going on here: I'm 18. I'm drunk as shit. I just fucked a legless girl, and now I'm alone in the living room with the legless girl's dad. Yeah. NOT GOOD.

Anyway, the dad starts asking me about me, where I'm going to college, how am I liking my job, how am I liking Palo Alto, etc. I'm trying my best to just keep my answers short and trying not to slur my speech. Eventually he tires of the chit chat and moves on to the topic of his daughter, but rather than be pissy or threatening he seems really friendly and super-nice. "Listen, Omar, Jen's mom and I are really happy she met you. It's so nice of you to hang out with her. I mean, she's a wonderful girl but obviously you know how judgmental kids can be", to which I respond "oh sure Mr. such-and-such, no problem, yeah she's really fun."

Mr. Such-and-such takes a pause, and thinks before speaking again. "Anyway, thanks for taking the time, and thanks for walking her back home, it was really good of you...

...most guys just leave her hangin'. "

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