Sunday, July 15, 2007

waubers's China Impressions


First off, Shenzhen China is an arm-pit of a city. Don't go there unless you have to.

If you do go there, the only good hotel (i.e. one with anyone who speaks any English and a level of quality at least as good as a holiday inn in the USA) is the Dragon Spring.

Some points on the Dragon Spring Hotel:
1. The lobby smells of fish.
2. The AC in your room only runs in spurts. It will typically stop working around 23:00, so do try to fall asleep by then, unless you enjoy falling asleep in your own sweat.
3. If you drop a duce, be sure you flush before you put any TP into the bowl. All 3 of us in my group managed to plug up the shitter. Sadly, it was a Kohler Toilet, which you'd think could handle my decadent western shits.
4. Don't eat the steamed buns at breakfast. Seriously, this wasn't a joke and we didn't know. We all ate a couple our first day and one guy even said "these taste like paper." We found out about the news story the next day.
5. Orange Juice = Orange Fanta; Apple Juice = Pineapple Fanta; Haw Juice = whothefuckknows.
6. Don't pour your own beer into your glass, you make the servers look sad when you do that.

If, like my companions, you feel the need to go out drinking every night you're traveling for work, and you happen to be staying at the Dragon Spring hotel DO NOT patronize the Dragon Spring Garden Opera House Bar and Lounge. If you do, some tips:

3. Don't nod your head when they say "you like beer but not girl" This is a question, not a funny statement.
5. DON'T LET THEM SIT THE MUSICAL ACT AT YOUR TABLE, they will drink all your beer, which is amazing because they couldn't have weighed more than 160lbs combined.
6. REFUSE THE FRUIT PLATE, it's $290cny
7. When you try to leave, regardless of how drunk you might be, don't get off on the 6th floor, even if it's the first floor the elevator opens on. It's a brothel. With women.
8. When asked, do not follow the hostess to the 5th floor. It's a brothel. With no women.
9. Always know where your buddy is, lest he be abducted.
10. Laugh at the jokes of the comedian, even though you can't understand them.
11. Tsing Tao is pronounced Chee-ing Tao.
12. DO NOT LET YOUR MANAGER SIGN YOUR NAME AND ROOM TO THE BILL. I have know idea how I'm going to explain a 1200CNY bill for "Night Club" to accounting, even though I only had three beers.
13. You might be a Westerner, but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YOU ARE NOT A VIP, and as such, DO NOT PRESS THE VIP BUTTON IN THE ELEVATOR.

Observations on Hong Kong.
1. Hong Kong is hot!
2. Hong Kong IS FUCKING HOT, wear deodorant on your balls.
3. Hong Kong is awesome, easily the coolest city I've ever seen.
4. Visit Victoria Peak at night, it's awe-inspiring.
5. Take a taxi to Victoria Peak, the tram is fucking scary.
6. The waiters at Bubba Gump Shrimp (on top of Victoria Peak) are pretty cool.
7. Hong Kong has a city-wide lazer and fireworks show every Saturday night, it's sweet, especially when you're a couple thousand feet above the city.
8. DRINK LOTS OF WATER. It's a bad sign when you stop sweating an it's 35C outside.
9. Remember that beer != water, even beer as watery as Tsing Tao.
10. Taxi's are a very reasonable way to get around the city.
11. The SkyLounge at the Hotel Nikko is awesome, but for the love of god be careful what you order. I still don't know how we're going to explain a $400us bar-tab with only 3 people drinking, for less than 2 hours.
12. The SkyLounge has impeccable service.
13. Hong Kong is very very expensive.
14. Everyone should visit Hong Kong, it's truly an amazing city. More impressive than London or Paris. IMO.

No comments: