Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Jack Bauer facts

Jack Bauer facts:

1. If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".

2. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

3. Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

4. Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.

5. When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

6. If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

7. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

8. Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

9. Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

10.When Jack Bauer asks for your help, he's not asking.

11. - 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

12. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.

13. Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

14. If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's fucking beef.

15. Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

16. Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

17. Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

18. Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

19. Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

20. Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.

21. If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.

22. Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

23. Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.

24. Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

25. Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".

26. If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.

27. When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

28. Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.

29. When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

30. The cartoon that the Muslims are so angry about is really a drawing of Jack Bauer.

31. Jack Bauer's favorite color is "severe terror alert" red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

32. Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

33. Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

34. When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".

35. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

36. Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.

37. If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.

38. Jack Bauer once won a game of rock paper scissors using niether rock, paper nor scissors.

39. Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.

40. In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the fuck have you done with your life?

41. Jack Bauer is allowed to leave his phone on during a movie.

42. Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris were stuck in a room together once... After 3 minutes, Chuck Norris left crying without a scratch on him.

43. Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

44. When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

45. Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.

46. Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.

47. There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.

48. Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

49. You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

50. Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

51. When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.

52. Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.

53. During the 18 months Jack Bauer was believed dead, CTU saved over $1 billion on ammunition.

54. It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year*", there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides Jack Bauer."

55. In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

56. Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.

57. If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.

58. Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.

59. In Poker, Jack Bauer doesn't need to bluff. He looks at opponent, tells them to fold, and they do so. Always.

60. Once a year, Jack Bauer kills and eats an entire blue whale. This is why he is never seen having lunch.

61. The quickest way to a man’s heart is through Jack Bauer’s gun.

62. Jack Bauer can beat the gay out of Elton John.

63. No man has ever used the phrase, “Jack Bauer is a pussy” in a sentence and lived to tel.....

64. People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

65. Jack Bauer makes onions cry.

66. It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.

67. The real reason the Army ditched the “Army of One”campaign? Jack Bauer sued for copy right infringement.

68. Jack Bauer named his cat ‘Chuck Norris.’ Why? Because He’s a pussy.

69. Jack Bauer doesn’t urinate or defecate. He secretes waste through his pores as two chemicals which can be combined to create napalm.

70. The only reason terrorists keep attacking LA is so they can meet Jack Bauer.

71. The ancient Chinese built the Great Wall of China not to repel the Mongols, but rather to repel Jack Bauer. It failed when he attacked over the Himalayas.

72. Chase wasn’t actually in any danger from that terrorist virus. Jack Bauer just cut off his hand because that’s how he warns all of Kim’s boyfriends.

73. Jack Bauer creates an “airtight perimeter” by yelling at the air and calling it a pussy until it gets its shit together and falls in line.

74. Jack Bauer parts LA traffic with his enormous penis. That’s why he can reach anywhere in the city in the span of a commercial break.

75. The reason CTU’s superiors are called “Division” is because Jack Bauer broke their building in half in a fit of rage because they couldn’t bring him a sandwich in 24 hours.

76. Jack Bauer actually finishes every mission in under five minutes. The 24 hours is just creative editing.

77. CTU stands for "Jack Fucking Bauer".

78. God rested on the 7th day. Jack Bauer will be spending his 7th day working his usual triple shift without sleep. Lazy ass God.

79. Jack Bauer would have gotten the ring to Mordor in 24 hours.

80. Jack Bauer knows where Carmen Sandiego is.

82. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Jack Bauer could use to kill you, including the room itself.

83. Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in two hours; the inhabitants have been there for two years.

84. Jack Bauer gives cigarettes cancer.

85. Muslims don’t eat pork because of a deal Jack Bauer made with Allah. Allah agreed to tell his followers to stop eating swine, and Jack Bauer agreed to stop turning Muslims into sausage.

86. The quick reaction teams are to Jack Bauer what the red shirts in Star Trek are to Captain Kirk. They show us how the monsters work.

87. Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.

88. If you look up terrorist in the dictionary you will not see Jack Bauer, but Jack Bauer will see you.

89. "I think, therefore I am" can be shortened to "Jack Bauer".

90. If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

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